It’s been about one month since I returned to America. Reverse culture shock seems to be slowly getting worse…which is a bummer, because that is the opposite of what I want! Everyday, that plane ticket back to Korea looks more and more tempting, whether it be for a visit or to move back. I missed Korea from the second our plane took off to come back to America, but I’m starting to feel more of a….void I guess? As time goes on I seem to realize more and more how much of me I left in Korea. I am constantly torn between believing coming back was the right decision, and thinking it was very wrong. In terms of jobs….I’m glad I returned. Teaching wasn’t my cup of tea, and I’m convinced it never will be. And I’ve been having SO MUCH FUN baking at home and trying out new recipes. I get so excited looking at the recipes and figuring out what I’m going to try next…the thought of working in a bakery, and especially owning one someday gives me tingles and I want to do it right now. So for that reason, I’m glad I returned to America, so I get that dream going. But for every other reason….I wish I hadn’t left. I miss just about everything there is to miss. I miss the food, the grocery stores, my little apartment…I’m finding that I don’t particularly like large living spaces. I don’t need a lot of space, and I don’t think I even want a lot of space. You could probably fit like 6 one-room apartments, like the one I had, in my house. I miss being in close proximity to everything I needed, and more importantly, my friends. I’m an introvert and I love spending time by myself, which I’m definitely getting an awful lot of here…but even for me, it’s a bit much. And I don’t realize how much I miss my Korea family until I go somewhere, or look at pictures of them or something…
I feel like this post is going to be rather sporadic, but I’m typing out my thoughts as they come into my head. It is springtime in Korea, which means the cherry blossoms are in full bloom. Yesterday was the big annual cherry blossom festival at a local high school whose grounds are rich with cherry blossom trees. At night, they have a fireworks show. It’s one of my favorite parts of the year, because its sooo beautiful. A bunch of my friends went yesterday and I saw pictures…and it nearly broke my heart into as many pieces as there were cherry blossoms. Back to the void thing and feeling like I left so much of me in Korea. My heart was nowhere near ready to leave Korea. And I feel like a sizeable piece of me is missing. I want that life back. And I go through phases multiple times a day of “This was the right choice” and “This was a mistake.” I know I have things to look forward to, here in America, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling sad. And I don’t know at what extent to accept life here, and accept the change. And I don’t want to be that person living in the past, always wanting to talk about things that were, but I’m really having trouble letting go of it.
I’m just not entirely sure how to deal with everything…I don’t want to move back just to be back in Korea, but at the same time, the desperate side of my mind is like “Dooooo it!!!” IF I go back for an extended time, I want to have a legit reason, more than just wanting my old life back.
I’m finding that I’m missing the things that I didn’t really even like in Korea. Like things that I thought were inconvenient, or used just because I couldn’t find the American versions. Things are too familiar here. I miss the unfamiliarity, and sense of adventure that came with doing…just about anything in Korea. Even after two years there. You get used to not knowing, and kind of become accustomed to it. And returning to the place where you grew up just seems a little dull. This is something I had a feeling would happen upon my return, so I’m not surprised by it, but it still is frustrating to actually deal with.
It’s kind of weird for me, that coming back to my old culture is harder than going to a new one. I didn’t have a really hard time fitting into Korea. I adapted really easily into life there. The only times when I felt really homesick were around the holidays. Otherwise…I was generally pretty happy there from the moment I stepped off the plane at Incheon Airport. Sure there were things the frustrated me from time to time, or Korean culture irritated me, but none of that ever lasted more than a few days at a time. If I did go through culture shock in Korea, it was very mild. So it’s odd coming back to a country and culture that I know and having a tough time of it.
I don’t want this post to be entirely sad, I-miss-Korea me, so I will say that in my time being home, I’ve been putting myself through a “self-baking school”, as I’ve been calling it. Since I hope to get a job at a bakery soon, and don’t have any formal baking training, I’m trying to build up my skills as much as I can on my own by baking a variety of things through self-guided online courses. I’ve been trying 2-3 recipes a week, and have made 3 different kinds of breads, a pie, and various cakes or chocolate desserts, and it has been great fun! I’m doing these courses through America’s Test Kitchen, which explains the science behind the ingredients and preparation methods, and I feel like I’m learning a lot. Some of the recipes have been challenging, which makes it fun, and since the website walks you through each step of the recipe, I haven’t had many problems and everything has turned out pretty good so far! So that is one thing that is keeping me occupied, and I’m having a lot of fun with it. J
So yeah….finding balances is hard. There are good days and bad days. There are up and down days. Figuring out how to feel , finding the flow of life here, getting used to the atmosphere of Iowa, and find a sense of self here, while part of my self is still halfway around the world….its a debacle! It’s like…losing an arm. You can mostly get along without it, and learn to deal. But you still wish you had it back, cuz it’s weird functioning without it. And you remember what it was like when you had that other arm, and all the things you and your arm went though and accomplished. You can get a prosthetic, but it will never be the same. You’ll never be your whole self 100% again. You just have to adapt. And sometimes that’s the hardest part.
대한민국을 보고 싶어요~ ㅎㅎㅎ
according to megan 